10 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman In Bed

…unless you never want to get laid again, ever.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re smooth enough to have persuaded her to do the bologna dance by saying and doing all the right things.

But don’t think you’re home free just because you got her horizontal.

Utter any of the following before (or during) mattress mambo and her legs will snap-shut faster than you can blink.

1. Another woman’s name

Yes, she knows you have had intimate moments with other women. But every woman wants to think she’s the only girl in the world.

If you make this mistake, be extremely apologetic and prepared to do whatever it takes to prove she’s the most beautiful, intelligent and sexiest woman you’ve ever met.

You’ll also have to prove it was an honest mistake, she’s the only one for you, and that you don’t think about anyone else.

To avoid this issue altogether, stick to the trite (but true) “oh God/oh yes/oh baby!”

2. “Do you spit or swallow?”

This is something to be discussed before you hookup (or not at all). Sometimes, silence truly is golden.

If you’re lucky enough to have her go down just shut up, enjoy it, and let her surprise you.

3. “Wow, you’re so much better than _______ (my ex girlfriend/wife/the hooker I had last night)”

Every woman wants to think she’s a goddess in bed. As a result, talking about previous sexual encounters is a deal breaker for many women.

She doesn’t need to hear about it, and if you do bring it up, she’ll feel threatened and jealous. It may also force her to deliberate questions like “does he think about her while he’s having sex with me?” and “does he wish I was her?”.

Eventually, you’re going to have to answer those questions. Nobody wants that.

4. “Are those real?”

Whether they’re real fantastic or anti-gravity and plastic, now is just not to the time to ask. After all, you have a set of golden globes at your disposal.

Just fall down to your knees and thankfully cry out at their magnificent, regal beauty.

And while you’re down there, NEVER say…

5. “What’s that smell?”

All girls have a distinct odor, and unless she has some sort of infection, it’s probably not a ’bad’ smell.

Women tend to be very self-conscious about their ‘smell’, and by bringing it up – all you’ll do is destroy her self-esteem.

6. “Ew…what was that sound?”

Queen La Queefa moments can happen.

Damage control ideas include mood music playing in the background (to drown out any embarrassing sounds), ignoring the issue, or laughing (but only if she does first). Stopping is not an option.

Even if it wasn’t a queef, the same coping/preventative measures apply.

7. “Who’s your Daddy?”

Does this Freudian no-no really require elaboration?

I don’t care if she has more paternal issues than a magazine stand – when a woman is getting it on, hearing a creepy cliché regarding her dear old dad is a complete turnoff.

8. “I love you/will you marry me?”

If you haven’t said it upright and fully clothed, mid-thrust is not the time to start.

Worst case scenario: you didn’t mean it, and she knows it (resulting in a “what the hell?” response). Or, she says it back and you weren’t ready for it. Awkward.

As for marriage proposal - it didn’t work for Leonard with Penny on The Big Bang Theory and it’s even worse than the aforementioned declaration of ardor. Besides, what will you do if she says yes to your horny, spur-of-the-moment arse, Romeo?

9. “Well, that was fun”

When a woman sleeps with you for the first time, she can’t help but wonder if she’s just another notch on your bedpost.

Making deflating comments like “thank you” or “that was fun” suggests you just had a sexual transaction (a hookup) and not an emotional connection.

Even if it is a hookup, you don’t need to announce it or make some lame excuse that you need to hurry up. This isn’t Dominos Pizza, fellas!

10. (Cry)

I don’t care how moving/intimate the experience was; tears aren’t needed.

Yes, most women want a man that is sensitive and good-looking, but it doesn’t matter if you’re Johnny Depp… if you start bawling, you’ll have the appeal of a shivering Chihuahua in the rain (sadly adorable, but not what you want in bed).

Think happy thoughts, Don Juan..before she kicks you in the ovaries and out the door.

Written for CAVE by Anita Lal